look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
