SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
