I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
