I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
