Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
