I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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