Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
