I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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