I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
