So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
