He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
