I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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