I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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