Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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