I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
