??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
