I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
