listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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