I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
