I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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