I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I intend to get homeless drunk
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
