3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
