just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
