my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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