it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
