The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
