I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
