i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
