i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
