In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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