theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
