I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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