census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
