He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
