He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
two words...techno handjob
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
