There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
