I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
