Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
