peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
