Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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