I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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