Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
