Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
