When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Someone shit on the floor
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
