She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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