Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
