that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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