he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
