I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
