Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
